Every stage of life is fun, even remarkable and if we’re living right, we should all be excited and curious about what we can do to make each day interesting. I know men that didn’t understand what they already had and left their wonderful wives for something younger in a misguided attempt to be also young. In a moment of pure honesty, one of those men told me directly, “I had fun for 5 minutes, destroyed my life and lost the only woman that mattered.” She moved cities and he followed so that he could be near the kids and has over the years established what will only ever be a friendship with the woman who once trusted him. 

This was said to me when I was about ten years into my own marriage and it was impactful for me to not take my wife and the life we had together for granted. Taking your marriage for granted is an incredibly easy thing to do. I think that prior to that conversation, I really did.  Was I thankful, appreciative and living to make her happy as I had so readily avowed to do?

It was time to revisit the Tony Robbins mantra of constant and never-ending improvement. I still remember hearing that phrase and it is the only thing I remember of it but it hit me full in the chest. Wait! I’m supposed to be improving? No one had ever mentioned that before! How is this possible that I could grow to my mid-twenties and still not have any realization that I ought to be trying to improve myself?  Was I still attempting to become a better husband, friend, neighbor, business person and father? I went into full evaluation mode on myself.

Only once you drop your ego, let go of blame and become very, very honest with yourself, can you get into renovations of your own patterns, behavior and attitude. What I found in myself was a guy aggressively pursuing career, neglecting personal development and when it came to marriage, I was coasting. Looking back, I think it is likely that she was too, but the only thing that I knew then was that I could be better and up my game. 

I don’t know for sure, but I can’t imagine that many EMTs drive motorcycles. When you’ve seen the carnage first hand, I would imagine you’d become quite averse. This man spent an hour talking me through the carnage of his marriage and life which was all the result of what he had done.

Of course, being faithful is obvious but it was much more than that. He hadn’t ever been fully checked into the marriage, the partnership or the team that they both signed up for when they made their vows. It was a behavior I started to recognize quite frequently. Lots of people marry, but only put half their chips on the table. With that very uncomfortable spectator view into his entirely avoidable pain, I became averse and after ten years of marriage, I woke up. 

Not such a mystery after all.

With the madness of jobs, life, family and marriage in those earlier years, things are busy and complicated and I can’t say that things became beach party perfect overnight. But watch what happens when you fully commit to your significant other. More often than not, it flows both ways. Somewhere along the way, married life became very simple, fun and easy. The way it’s supposed to be.

We now see our marriage as something so infinitely valuable that we guard and treasure it as if it were as life itself. Sure we loved each other back then, but it was nothing like it is now after three decades. On a recent anniversary we had said to each other that we wouldn’t buy each other gifts (but I had a little one stashed just in case because I’m not new). We went strolling through some shops in the  afternoon, found and purchased an extraordinary soup ladle (not kidding), floated into a restaurant without a reservation and ended the evening (well I’ll leave out the actual ending – ) at the movie which had been the only part of the evening we had planned. 

Those Beatles songs are still rolling around in my head and we made a nice memory, but right now I’m interested in the fun we’re going to have together today. We’re about to go grocery shopping for the ingredients we need to make fish tacos for some very good friends tonight. The visit will be fun, but so will the shopping for fish. At this point, it always is.

Regardless of what is going on in your life, just look at the woman who partnered her life with yours. Throw all your chips onto the table and go all in every single day.