5 Secrets To Having a 30 Year Honeymoon
When the light of June touched our faces outside the church of our union, we stood squinting in the direction of cameras, holding wrap-around-smiles until our cheeks hurt.
My memory holds a few short video clips of that day, fewer retained the accompanying audio and the rest is an array of still images. That really doesn’t bother me though because the wedding day is enormously immaterial in contrast to the thousands of ensuing days of adventure, laughter, hardship, sorrow and bliss. We would happily replace that day with an invite-only BBQ and a minister.
We met at 16, met again at 18, got engaged at 19 and married at 20 years of age. Having married so young, in many ways we grew up together. We married, learned how to make a waffle and then one at a time, undertook a post-secondary education while the other worked. At 20, you know almost nothing. I did know that she was the one for me but had no idea what it was to be married. I’m not surprised that a lot of couples decide to split as in any relationship there’s plenty of opportunity to make that choice. But we chose to make it together and after 30 years, we’ve learned a few things.
Team
This is the one that I think trips up couples who aren’t getting the most out of their relationship. We have learned we are a team. You are a team as a couple, then you are a team as a family. It’s the two of you and those you bear, against all that threatens your calm. I might get some ribbing for comparing marriage to football but at the end of the season, those teams at the top of standings are usually in harmony with each other and those in the bottom half of the standings are usually experiencing significant tension. Poor teams fight, blame and seek a trade. Great teams encourage, support and love each other. We’ve been together long enough that we each know and trust that those most basic elements are not temporary. And yes, we watch football together.
“You are a team as a couple, then you are a team as a family.”
Appreciation
Most people like and need to feel appreciated. How much effort does it take to acknowledge the other? It’s easy to forget but unless you each feel like the other values the contribution that you bring to the marriage, it is going to fester. That she should know you appreciate what she does is not enough. Say it and mean it. If you’re not saying it because you’re not hearing it from her, well you get what you give in all things. Feel poor, give to someone who has less than you. Feel lonely, visit someone with no family or spouse. Feel tired, go running. Feel unappreciated, give appreciation. When you continually voice your appreciation to someone for their good effort, just know that it will return to you in spades.
Excel at Something
The business of “home management” can get stale. Figure out ways to make that interesting. Veldene has become the master. She has made our pantry beautiful. What? Yes. Veldene is amazing at a lot of things but at the Home Olympics she is a gold medalist at organization. She is an organizer to a level at which I am truly in awe. On the weekends, I like to take over the chef duties, and try to make things new and different. It’s a small thing but I think it’s something that eliminates ordinary and keeps things fun. Was I always good at cooking? Nope. I love it now and know a lot more than I once did.
Date Night
Get out of the house. Go for a walk, go for drinks, hold hands through a mall, do the errands together. Grocery shopping can be a lot of fun if you make it fun. The most mundane and free things can be a date if you make it a date. If you want to make a formal date each week that’s great but a lot of people don’t have the budget for a nice dinner out every week, so just understand that date night doesn’t have to mean money. When we get out of the house to do whatever is it that we have to do, we talk. It could be serious, it usually ends up being fun but it is always a date because that simple intimacy of spending time alone and talking is of infinite value for our relationship.
…that simple intimacy of spending time alone and talking is of infinite value for our relationship.
Stay on the Same Page
Every year on January 1, we write out what we want to accomplish that year. We write it in small books and each read the goals of the other. Writing down something important to you is good for yourself. If you write down and continue to pursue what you want out of life, you will remain engaged, energized and interesting to others no matter what your circumstances. Reading what is important to your partner keeps you connected with what’s important to them. Then think, what can you do to help them achieve their goals? I’m willing to bet that they’ll help you too.
This is after all, a team that is at the top of the standings.
“We chose to make it together and after 30 years, we’ve learned a few things.”
These are just a few things that jump front of mind when I think about how a relationship works in the long term. I hope it doesn’t come off as know-it-all blather. No one knows it all. We are all flawed and beautiful but we’re allowed our flaws as long as we continue to make the effort. Have each other’s back, tell them you see their value, be great at something, be and laugh together and stay connected on what’s important. If you truly love someone and they love you back, it is magic. It’s unfortunate that life becomes so cluttered with the dozens of spinning plates we all must keep in play, but if you have someone who spins them with you it can be more fun than you ever imagined in the light of June.
